After I lost Jonathan, I told God, even yelled at Him about how mad I was--mad that this would happen to me, mad that this could have been part of his 'perfect plan' for my life, mad that the doctors couldn't have done more, and mad that I was so incredibly sad. But do you know what? Letting God have it--being honest with myself and with Him drew me so much closer to Him! It was almost like He stood there, took it, and then wrapped me up in a great big bear hug and just held on to me. Like I said yesterday, there are so many times in my life that I've just tried to handle things on my own, not depend on Him, but oh how I wish that I had turned to him--fully and with whatever was on my heart--for that heavenly hug.
These are are some of the "firsts" from Psalms...They are my 'straight from the heart prayers'...
Chapter 77
"I cry out to God without holding back. Oh, that God would listen to me!"
Chapter 67
"May God be merciful and bless us. May his face shine with favor upon us."
Chapter 70
"Please, God, rescue me! Come quickly, Lord, and help me."
Chapter 86
"Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer; answer me, for I need your help."
Chapter 5
"O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning."
and my praise...
Chapter 9
"I will thank you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done."
And there are so many more!
And I know that whatever the outcome of the 17th, I will turn to Him. Oh, if it is negative, I will be crushed and upset, but no matter what, I will turn to Him, give Him all of what I am feeling, and then cling to Him.
16 comments:
This is such a great post! Thank you for sharing this! I am still praying for you and will continue to!
Thank you for writing this. There is a lady in our choir that when she prays, she usually refers to God as "Daddy". I love that! It reminds me of the same things that you just wrote. HE is just waiting for us to be honest and real and then tell us "I love you baby" just like our earthly Daddies do! Love you Als!
So true. I've been there with you. I never experienced the intense pain of losing a child at the point you did, but I did have my chemical pregnancy and those embryos that didn't survive the thaw. And through couseling, I realized that I also needed to grieve the loss of my genetic child. That was a pretty tough one. Every girl dreams of what her own baby would look like. I was so mad at God for what He was putting me through. But I just prayed my way through it and it DOES help to tell God all of those feelings. I also prayed that God would use me through this struggle and HE HAS!! I am ever thankful. I don't mean to talk about myself so much...my focus is you, but I just want you to know that my heart and prayers go out to you. I think of you so often and I'm always praying. I really am. We should meet someday since we live closeby.
Alyson,
You are such an inspiration. I pray each day that God will bless you with another baby. And when He does, we will celebrate!
Loved seeing you today! It was good to catch up and have you see the little quilts!
Hope to see you again soon!!
I really enjoyed this posting so much. I think a lot of people get stuck in the same type of prayer... I remember as a child picking up on the order of a prayer.... Dear Lord, Thank you for this and that, help me with this or that, help this person and end with in Jesus'name, Amen. It's hard to get out of that routine. Your posts are thought-provoking and inspiring and I can't tell you how glad I am that you are posting everyday. I wish I had that dedication.... =) Love you!
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