A plan...

My mind has been just a mixture of emotions this week...Sometimes it is hard to know what to focus on. My tougher days I seem to focus on what I've lost and how much it hurts, and other days I'm reminded of and thankful for all God has been doing. Through it all though, the thought that keeps going over and over in my mind is, "what do I do now?" As I've said before, all I had planned was Jonathan. I wasn't going back to work this fall--all of my projects revolved around getting everything ready for him--I had officially focused on him, my baby I have been waiting on for 3 1/2 years. So now that the plan has changed, what do I do now?

Today, I'm so thankful that God showed me another small piece of His bigger plan...This afternoon I got a call from the secretary at my old school (where I worked at for 3 years). One of the teachers needed to have a long term sub to start the school year, and my old principal thought of me. They were so thoughtful, offering it to me, but also giving me the freedom to say no if I felt it was too soon. I prayed a lot this afternoon, and discussed it in detail with my mom and Justin throughout the afternoon. I wasn't sure if I was ready, but looking at it, I decided that it was the answer to my question of "what do I do?" Not only does it give me something to focus on while I'm in this waiting time period before we can start trying again, it puts me back with my "family" at my old school. My old staff was truly a family, and even going by the school today it felt like home. I have already gotten so many hugs and will continue to get hugs from them, and many of the teachers I'll be working with again were even at Jonathan's funeral. I know that this next 6 weeks is going to be just what I need--even though I definitely had not planned or even considered working this school year. I know that I will not go an hour without thinking about my sweet boy, but I know having a distraction and others to focus on will definitely help. I'm actually excited to be working with these 4th graders. Kids are amazingly sensitive and comforting and I look forward to 6 weeks with them. So, please pray for continued and quick healing for my body and my heart. I really am feeling much stronger, and I got the go ahead from my doctor to work, so I know that this will be good for me.

I'm thinking that when I'm up to writing about it, I'd like to share some of the details of our time with Jonathan. I'm not quite ready yet, but maybe I will be soon. Until then, I just wanted to share with you his sweet little footprint. Another blessing from the amazing hospital in Ft. Worth--all of the tangible things we have from our son... I'm still trying to focus on what I can be thankful for (I Thess. 5: 16-18)...my mom being here with me for two weeks, my dog that can read my mood and knows when to cuddle up with me, a job when I didn't even want one, friends to encourage me, friends who will just listen, and even cry with me, a loving husband, 23 weeks with my baby, and especially, a God who is carrying me through this all, because I am I sure I would not get through any of this on my own.