1-1-2010

First day of a new year...a new decade. Wow. For some reason, the new decade thing sounds so weird to me--makes this new year more momentus for me. The last time a new decade started, I was only 18, and had no clue what was to come in the decade ahead. I guess that is the same place I'm in right now--hoping for amazing things to happen in this next decade of my life. But I feel a lot more realistic about life too. 10 years ago, I really had no taste of the saddness that life could bring. I never would have ever imagined that in the first decade of my life as an adult, I would experience the agony of losing children--Jonathan who I got to hold in my arms for a brief moment, and 4 more babies that never even got the chance to grow. I've never wanted anything more in my life more than I've wanted to be a wife and a mother. And back when I was 18, I just assumed that they would go hand in hand...get married and a few years down the road, have a house full of babies. But that wasn't to be for us. God had a completely different journey planned for the Steiners, and sometimes I'm still trying to understand it!

But, one thing I am so incredibly thankful for this last decade is my wonderful husband. I never ever could have dreamed up such a wonderful husband to share my life with. (And, boy did I dream about my husband and try to imagine what he would be like as I grew up!!) Justin is my other half, my soul mate, the one person who I can completely be myself around. I don't feel whole when he isn't around, and no matter what life has (or hasn't) brought us yet, my life is complete with him.

But this last month, especially, has been really hard for me. I was really surprised and blindsided to have the Christmas season on 2009 be so incredibly hard. I had my share of melt-downs, quiet times, tears, in the midst of trying to enjoy what the season was really all about. I figured that the second Christmas after Jonathan died would be easier than the first, but was I wrong. I just couldn't get it out of my head that Jonathan should have been 13 months old, that we should have been watching him open presents with his cousin...I thought about the other babies that I wished had lived...I thought about the unfairness of it all, that we have been trying to have a family for almost 6 years, and our arms are still empty. It is just so hard. I feel like through all of this, I have been such a bad friend. I haven't really talked to anyone or returned emails in a long time. I'm sorry to any of my friends who I haven't responded to. I love you and I think about you all the time, I just couldn't this past month. I hope you understand!

I debated on whether to blog about our next step in trying to have a baby, but after thinking about it for the last few months, I think I've decided I'd rather have people know and praying. This month, we are going to do a frozen embryo transfer. We have 3 embryos frozen from the IVF cycle in October, and we are planning try again using them this month. We have decided that this will be the last try we do before moving on to surrogacy or adoption. And that is scary for me. In these last 5 1/2 years, we've never actually had a stopping point, and now we do. I want to be hopeful, believe that this time will be it, that I will get the privilege of carrying our child/children to full term. But I'm also so scared that the same thing will just happen again that has happened so many times before. Will you send some extra prayers up for me? That this cycle will work (finally!) and that God would give me faith and hope and a fresh trust in Him? I would really appreciate it!

And thank you to my blog friends who are walking the same road that I am. I can't tell you how much your posts, thoughts, scriptures that you've posted have encouraged me. There are so many days where I was so down, and then one of you would post something that would be so inspiring that I could hold on to. Thank you for being real through your journey--I don't know what this would be like if I didn't 'know' others going through it along with me. Love you!