Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy!

The day has arrived, and I'm planning on going out to the cemetery this morning to put a "Happy Birthday" balloon on Jonathan's grave and spend some time remembering him. Justin's family is coming in tonight, and we are going to go again in the morning and celebrate Jonathan's life. Tough times, but like I said before, I want to celebrate my baby. But it is hard. Last night I had somewhat of a meltdown, and I'm not quite sure how the next few days will be, but I'm thankful to have family around. He wasn't just our son, he was their grandson, nephew, and cousin too, and we all are missing him so much today.

It is hard to know exactly how to feel today.

My friend Kristen sent me this poem after my last blog, and I think it is perfect for today. Thank you, friend for sharing it with me...

It's my first birthday in Heaven,
what a joy to partake.
My presents are flowers and rainbows
and angel food cake.

My crib is decorated with roses
and glitter.
And the stars that shine upon me
make everything shimmer.

The angels are dancing and
singing me songs.
Soon Jesus will be joining us.
It won't be long.

We'll all gather and pray
for our loved ones on earth
who love us and miss us
since the day of our birth.

You see, birthdays in Heaven
are full of happiness and cheer.
We celebrate with our loved ones
who preceeded us here.

Please don't be sad anymore
I've been at peace for one year.
Just love me and pray for me,
and shed not another tear.

Yes, birthdays in Heaven
are beautiful and gay.
One day we will celebrate together, for this moment Mommy and Daddy we pray.

I love you so much, my sweet boy. Jonathan Paul, I will never forget each and every moment I got to spend with you. You were beautiful and perfect, and you looked so much like your daddy. We miss you so very much, and can't wait for the day in Heaven that we get to hold you in our arms again!

Happy 1st Birthday!

Love, Mommy

Reminders...

Today one year ago, my water broke much too early. My sweet boy lived 5 more days here on earth, before he woke up in Heaven. It is so unreal that a year has passed. I went back and ready my July/August 2008 posts, I was prepared for buckets of tears to start flowing. But do you know what? Instead of buckets (there were still a few), I was reminded of how incredibly faithful God has been to me. God held me through every agonizing moment that we endured last year. His word spoke such amazing truths of His presence, His love, His ability to make all things new. I was reminded of the incredible family members, friends, and even strangers who supported us through some of the darkest days of our lives...and are still supporting us today. I was reminded of what a strong man my husband was in those days, and how thankful I am that I get to share my life with him!

God is so good. Through everything I've faced that has not lined up with "my plan", I can honestly say that "His plan" is better. Even though I still have days where I feel like I'm in a valley, so far away from my close "mountain-top" relationship with Him, I know and trust that He is there--loving me, carrying me, and waiting to reveal to me the awesome plan He has for me! I feel so lucky, so blessed, that I was chosen to be His daughter.

This week will be hard, I know that, but I've decided to spend my week praising God, thanking Him for the abundant blessings He has given me. I'm going to celebrate my son this week, with a joyful heart. And even though, more than anything, I wish I was planning a big birthday party with a cake and a very sticky baby, I will hope that just maybe, there are birthday cakes in Heaven too! =)

Here I am...

I know it has been awhile since I've blogged--I feel like I have just kind of been numb and blah about blogging lately. Don't know if that makes since, but that's how I have felt lately...blah. Not that there haven't been great things that have been happening, even things where I've commented aloud, "I'll have to blog about this." But have I, did I even take a picture of them??? No. See? Blah...

I think it all comes down to the fact that it is 11 days until the one year anniversary of losing Jonathan. I've really been struggling with this. And it is weird...I guess technically I should call it his birthday, and I want to celebrate it, because it is his actual birthday, but in my heart, I still keep thinking it shouldn't have been his birthday. He was supposed to be born November 25, my Thanksgiving-time baby. It is so strange how even now, just about a year later, I still cry for him, ache for him, stare at his picture and wish that just once, I could have heard him cry, would have seen him look at me, or even have felt him hiccup while I was still pregnant. I guess the reality is that those feelings won't ever go away. Most days have been good in these last few months--God has really given me a lot of joy, but the closer I get to it being a WHOLE year since he was alive, the harder it is. The more I cry.

I should be so excited that we're going to start IVF next month, and I really am. God has so come through with a miracle about that---we just found out a few weeks ago that our new insurance is going to cover it 100%. 100%!!! I had no clue that any insurance anywhere would cover it like that! So we are so thankful for that--it is such a financial burden off our minds as we head there. I guess I am excited about it, and will be as we start it, but I have still been feeling down that we are at a year, and not pregnant. I never dreamed that I would have to even be considering doing IVF at all. I remember the day after we lost Jonathan, telling Justin that I wanted to be pregnant again by his due date. That didn't happen, but I thought for sure we would be a whole lot further along by the one year anniversary. One year just seemed so incredibly far away, but here it is.

I trust God, I know His plans for me, for our lives are perfect, that every millisecond of my life, He is carrying me through. I just wish it was easier. I just wish seeing babies, pregnant people, people with multiple children wasn't so hard. I can't wait until the day that I can be the one out in the church lobby with my crying baby, not the one trying to hold the tears in and not be jealous of the moms who are trying to shush their sweet babies. Someday...soon. Please God??

~~

See...told you I was in a blah mood. Sorry for the rambling--just thought I'd be real. And I will be posting about our IVF journey...I would love the prayer!

Prayers O' Plenty

My sweet friend, Lianna, had this great reminder today...we need to be constantly lifting each other up! I have been so blessed by all the prayers given up for me, and have also been blessed to be able to lift my friends up in prayer!! Won't you join us?

Let's take the time today to pray for one another. Take a minute to send someone an email, give someone a call, send someone a text message, or leave someone a comment on their blog...just to let him/her know that you are praying for them today. It will only take a minute and can mean the world to someone.

Afterall, "...if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in Heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them."~Matthew 18:19-20.

<br /><center><a href="http://growingourowngarden.blogspot.com/2009/07/prayers-o-plenty.html"><img src="http://i491.photobucket.com/albums/rr278/liannap1/cornerprayinghands-1-2-1-1-1.jpg" /></a></center><br /><br />

Copy this button for your blog, and list a few people that you are praying for...AND more importantly, let them know you are praying for them.

Today I'm praying for...

My wonderful friend Andrea (who is dealing with some health complications)

Kate McRae (a beautiful 5 year old facing a malignant tumor in her brain)

Sweet little Gaines and his family (a preemie being transferred to a NICU closer to home)

My friend Tena's dad, who is battling cancer

"And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing; you will receive."~Matthew 21:22

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

I just want to share my wonderful parents with you, today, on their 36th wedding anniversary. I am lucky, blessed, and thankful to have both of them as my parents. I have watched them face many things through my 27 years, and whether it was good or bad, they did it together. I love the fact that they are even more in love today than any day from the past. They are such great examples to me of how to "do life together" and love each other more than anything.

Thank you both for being the amazing parents that you are--I love you so much!!! Congratulations!!!