Proud of my Hubby!!

Justin and I had so much fun this weekend at the Gaylord Texan!!

We got to enjoy a weekend there because Justin earned top national achiever for Chase! That means he was one of the top 100 loan officers in the WHOLE country for Chase! I am so proud of him!! I was lucky that this year's conference was in here in our metroplex, so I could tag along!! I couldn't go to any of the events with him, but it was fun to just be there, explore, lounge around, and order room service!!

Here is my handsome hubby posing with his award...And here is his crazy and silly self!!

They all really had a good time, were inspired and motivated to do an even better job in 2010, and were given recognition for all their hard work. Have I mentioned how proud I am of my husband??!!

Posing with one of his co-workers...Texas pride! =)

And I just had to add a picture of one of my lovely room service meals!! WAY too pricey, but fun to splurge on when you are not having to pay for the hotel room!!

We are truly blessed that Justin works for such a great company. Banks/Loan Officers/Etc are sure getting a bad rap in the country right now, but I am thankful that God has led us to this here. There are amazing people who work so hard for this company, and I'm glad my Justin got some nice recognition this weekend for his hard work!

Love you, Baby!!!

Not good **Updated

Just got done and my lining is only at a 5.4--- not good. So the nurse is going to talk to my doctor and call me back with what to do next. She didn't sound or act very hopeful since my lining was even thinner than where the last cycle ended. So I am not sure what to do or think. I just feel like my body is failing to work again. I am just going to curl up in my bed and cry for awhile.

***Just got off the phone with the nurse and my doctor. He wants me to add in one more estrogen pill a day, and come back in one week for another sonogram. If it hasn't improved, we'll have to cancel the cycle again. I asked him what we do next if this doesn't work. He said "We'll get you there. Keep your spirits up."

I'm trying.

Tomorrow...

I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow for my first sono of FET, Take II!! I have been faithfully taking my estrace pills every day wearing my estrogen patch for the last 5 days, so I'm hoping tomorrow the lining will be nice and thick...or at least thick enough to get this show on the road!!! =) They want it to be around 9mm, so I'd appreciate your prayers!

I'll update after my appointment in the morning!

An Award!!

I was given this sweet award from Giggles at Life in my Lane. I am supposed to tell 7 things about myself (maybe that you don't already know!) and then share the award with 7 other bloggers!! I read so many amazing blogs, so many from women who are just as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside, so it might be hard to choose just seven!!

Here are 7 things (random ones that you might not know!) about me...

1) My favorite color is purple...you wouldn't believe how many little things I have that are purple. My favorite thing right now are my purple pens!

2) I can't stand not to have my toenails painted. I don't require pedicures (all the time!) but I do love to have color on my toes! I even paint them based on the season--fall colors in the fall, darker in winter (except for bright red at Christmas), bright irridescent in the spring, and corals, orangy, or bright pink in the summer.

3) I love wallets! I have a bunch to choose from, but I'm always scouting for new ones for a good deal. I'm a cheapskate though, so any wallet I buy has to be less than $15!!

4) I think I might have mentioned this one before, but I am a habitual list-maker! I love to have a to-do list for everything! I even add on things that I've already accomplished, just so I can cross it off! I am crazy...and my husband would agree with that! I have had to get used to having my lists on my iphone, instead of on paper--a very tough change! I have snuck in a little notebook in my purse for my list though, so I can use my purple pen!! =)

5) Whenever I use a Q-tip to clean out my ears (I know that you're not supposed to use them--oops!) I cough. Somehow something in my head is connected and I have this reaction EVERY time! Justin makes fun of me for it too!

6) I can't stand leaving a price tag on anything! Whenever we buy books, shoes, or anything with a tag, I have to pull it off! It drives me nuts if it is one of the pricetags that come off in pieces, and I'll work at it until I get all the sticky off!

(Okay...I'm beginning to sound a little crazy here!! =)

and

7) My first car was a 1966 Mustang Convertible...blue with white interior. I don't have a picture of mine, but this is a picture of one just like it! And the crazy part is that Justin's first car was a 1968 Mustang! We were meant to be!!

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And here are the Beautiful bloggers I would like to share this award with...

1) Michelle at The Harmon Family

2) Sarah Creamer at Blessed in the Promised Land

3) Candie at Nothing Poetic Nothing Planned

4) Jodie Sue at Heads Up Seven Up

5) Lianna at Growing Our Own Garden

6) Taryn at The Crouch House

7) Audra at The Inspired Nutmeg

All of you are an inspiration to me for so many different reasons. Thank you so much for your friendship, even if it is just through internet connections!! You are a beautiful woman, and your blogs are beautiful!!

4 day weekend...

I just finished up a four day weekend, and let me tell you...it was wonderful!!! It was a full weekend, but so relaxing too! Poor Justin had to work on Saturday since the bank was going to be closed on Monday, but like the amazing husband he is, he was happy for me to have the extra time off! =)

Betsy enjoyed the weekend too! I have just come to the realization that whenever I am home, she is my constant shadow! I love it!! Here she is Friday night, chilling next to me on the bed with her new favorite toy. Justin's sister and her family bought this pig for her at Christmas. On the inside is an empty plastic water bottle that makes wonderful crunchy noises that she just can't get enough of! And the fact that it is still in one piece amazes us...Betsy ALWAYS chews apart a cloth toy in a matter of minutes and pulls the stuffing out! This one only has a little bit of stuffing in the nose, but she has yet to bother it! It just cracks us up when she comes prancing down the hallway with it in her mouth, or will run back to the living room for it before we go to bed. Adorable!!!

On Friday, I did a whole bunch of errands, and then went on a movie date with my mom and dad. We went to see the movie Young Victoria, and it was really good. We like period movies, and are always interested in history, so we three really enjoyed it. Justin was glad he still had to work, and was very happy to have me see it with them instead of him! =)

On Saturday evening, we went to a surprise birthday party for two of our good friends. I didn't take too many pictures, and somehow ended up without one of the birthday girls, but here are a couple of us decked out in party hats. I don't think I've worn one of these for at least 15 years!!

with Jolene...

Justin and Harry...

What a fun night, and a very successful surprise for Katie and Jeanette! Good job husbands for pulling this one off!

Sunday was a very busy day! We had a great time at church, and a sad time watching the Cowboys get creamed and stomped on by the Vikings. Way to go, Minnesota...you guys definitely deserved the win. Bummer for us. And I had on such a cute pink Cowboys jersey too! It should have brought them luck!! =) Oh well, maybe next season??

Sunday night also kicked off another season of 24, and our 24 nights with my parents. Since it is a 4 hour, 2 night season premier, we have 2 date nights this week. SO much fun! We love this show, even though it drives us nuts with the amount of suspense they can pack into each hour!!! So far though, we're not too impressed with this season. The new CTU boss and the blond haired technology lady bother us a bit. But it will get better!!

Monday was such a relaxing day. I spend the first half of the day in my pajamas, making Justin breakfast in bed, doing laundry, and tidying up the house. I love days like this!!

In the afternoon, we had a date with my parents to see Avatar in 3D. We had heard reviews that said the story line was weak, but the effects were really good and worth seeing. For the most part, we agreed, but the story line wasn't too bad. I liked the movie, but didn't really care for the new age, pro-environment message. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for protecting the environment, but the "Let's all connect to Mother Earth" agenda was a little bit much at a couple times in the movie. But the effects and visuals in the movie were absolutely amazing and easy to move the message to the back burner. It was really beautiful, and hard to believe that it was, for the most part, all done digitally! You really felt like you were on that world and it was real! I wonder how in the world they did that?!!

Just had to include a couple pics sporting our cool 3D glasses...

Aren't we all adorable??!! We all agreed that the last time we saw a 3D movie with the glasses was at least 20 years ago at Disneyland. Remember Captain EO??

All in all, this has been a wonderful, refreshing, and productive weekend. Now back to work tomorrow! Hope you had a great weekend too!!

Cycle cancelled...**Updated**

**Update below...

So we didn't get the news we wanted today. My lining actually went down to a 6, so my dr cancelled the cycle. I have never actually had a cycle cancelled before... There has always been something that they could do to salvage it. But not this time. It just stinks. But he does have plan b that should start next week. I will post more details tonight... Have to get back to work right now. Thanks for your continued prayers...

**Update...

So Dr. B gave me a Plan B/FET Take II, which is actually a lot better than I expected it to be. As I've been thinking about it today, I have realized that there are a lot more positives than negatives about this failed cycle.

First, the negatives...

~We have to wait longer to proceed. I'm just so tired of waiting! Obviously, I haven't mastered patience yet, and God is still teaching me.
~I pretty much had to eat the cost of the progesterone that I was supposed to start taking today. It only will last until Feb. 8th, and Dr. B said we most likely not need it by then.

Now for the positives...

~We didn't 'waste' our embryos on a cycle where my lining didn't get think enough to start. They'll still be there when it gets thick enough next time!
~I found out that the next time I will be able to change the way I can take my estrogen to build my lining...I will be adding estrogen patches, and I can take the estrace orally. (For those of you who get my drift on this--believe me--meds by mouth are MUCH better!!)
~The cost of the progesterone that we can't use isn't as much as it would have been if we didn't have insurance to cover a big part of it!! Plus, I can just give the extra to the office for other people to use if they needed. So it won't be fully wasted after all.
~We will get to start FET Take II much sooner that I thought. Since I have to force my cycle to start, I anticipated having to wait around two weeks to get started again. But he just had the nurse give me a shot of progesterone today that should start my cycle in 3-4 days! So we can get started with everything again next week! Yeah!
~I will get to enjoy a special weekend with Justin at the end of the month. At his work, Justin earned a National Sales Level and is being rewarded by a weekend at a resort that just happens to be here in Dallas. I will post more on this later, but I am thankful that I will really get to enjoy the weekend with him, without having to be on bedrest!!

I'm sure over the next few days, I will realize that there are even more positives about this situation. I am bummed that it didn't work the way we wanted it to, but I'm thankful that God is giving me hope, PATIENCE, and faith that He is in control. Thanks for your prayers!

For My Mom!!

I know this is a strange picture to post on my blog, but I just had to post it for my mom! For anyone who knows my mom, you know that she is super creative, talented, loves colors, decorating, and pretty things. As I was growing up, one thing that she said quite often and has always stuck with me was that your dinner plate should be colorful and pretty. I always laughed at this, because my mind just doesn't think in color like hers does--even about what should be on your plate. But tonight, this was our dinner (lemon chicken over brown rice, edamame/jicama salad, roll, and strawberries and blueberries) and my first thought when I saw the plate I dished up for Justin was that it was colorful and pretty! Most of my meals are pretty much the same color, or with not too much variety, but tonight was different! I'm trying to cook some healthier meals, and it is amazing that the more colorful they are, the healthier they seem to be too! Amazing how that works! Thanks mom, for the lesson about beauty! It has really stuck with me! I love you and am so thankful for you in my life!


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Tomorrow morning I go for my lining measurement, so hopefully we'll be on our way into this FET journey! Thanks for all the prayers (for uterine lining--how crazy is it to pray for that?!) and encouragement. The last four days have been so much better than Friday was! I'll keep you posted!

FET update

Today I had a sonogram to measure the thickness of my uterine lining. The process of a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) is so much different than of a stimulation cycle, whether IUI or IVF. There hasn't been all that much I've had to do in the process leading up to it, which is completely different from all my other cycles with stimulation drugs, multiple sonograms to measure everything, and the timing of many drugs and appointments to all time out just right. This cycle, all I've had to do so far is use Estrace pills, gradually upping the dose to three a day. Today I'm on day 14 of my cycle, and my lining 'should' be 9mm or more today. My lining today was just 7.4mm. The nurse and my wonderful doctor said that measurement would be okay to proceed with, but he wants to see if we can get it just a little bit thicker before we move on to the next step. I go back for another sono to measure the lining next Wednesday, and then we'll proceed from there.

So I guess this news is good, because, hopefully, we are still pretty much on track for the transfer on the 19th. But, I couldn't help it...I just sat in my car and cried. I cried all the way up to the cemetery to visit Jonathan's grave, and most of the way back home. I wish it could just be easy, that all measurements/steps on track with the expected norm. I wish my lining had been on the right thickness, and we could have proceeded on today. I wish it could just all be easier. But, I have to have hope and faith, and remind myself that I'm still on track. That I'm lucky to be even able to be doing this cycle with good quality frozen embryos. I'm just so wanting it to be in the past and be enjoying a healthy pregnancy. Actually, I really want to be done with a pregnancy with a healthy baby or babies in my arms. Thanks for your prayers...your comments...your love. I'll keep you posted.

**If any of you TTC-ers have ever been through a FET, and have any information, tips, advice about the process, I would love for you to share! After almost 6 years, I thought I was pretty on top of any process that we could have, but this one just seems different to me! Thanks for anything you can share!

1-1-2010

First day of a new year...a new decade. Wow. For some reason, the new decade thing sounds so weird to me--makes this new year more momentus for me. The last time a new decade started, I was only 18, and had no clue what was to come in the decade ahead. I guess that is the same place I'm in right now--hoping for amazing things to happen in this next decade of my life. But I feel a lot more realistic about life too. 10 years ago, I really had no taste of the saddness that life could bring. I never would have ever imagined that in the first decade of my life as an adult, I would experience the agony of losing children--Jonathan who I got to hold in my arms for a brief moment, and 4 more babies that never even got the chance to grow. I've never wanted anything more in my life more than I've wanted to be a wife and a mother. And back when I was 18, I just assumed that they would go hand in hand...get married and a few years down the road, have a house full of babies. But that wasn't to be for us. God had a completely different journey planned for the Steiners, and sometimes I'm still trying to understand it!

But, one thing I am so incredibly thankful for this last decade is my wonderful husband. I never ever could have dreamed up such a wonderful husband to share my life with. (And, boy did I dream about my husband and try to imagine what he would be like as I grew up!!) Justin is my other half, my soul mate, the one person who I can completely be myself around. I don't feel whole when he isn't around, and no matter what life has (or hasn't) brought us yet, my life is complete with him.

But this last month, especially, has been really hard for me. I was really surprised and blindsided to have the Christmas season on 2009 be so incredibly hard. I had my share of melt-downs, quiet times, tears, in the midst of trying to enjoy what the season was really all about. I figured that the second Christmas after Jonathan died would be easier than the first, but was I wrong. I just couldn't get it out of my head that Jonathan should have been 13 months old, that we should have been watching him open presents with his cousin...I thought about the other babies that I wished had lived...I thought about the unfairness of it all, that we have been trying to have a family for almost 6 years, and our arms are still empty. It is just so hard. I feel like through all of this, I have been such a bad friend. I haven't really talked to anyone or returned emails in a long time. I'm sorry to any of my friends who I haven't responded to. I love you and I think about you all the time, I just couldn't this past month. I hope you understand!

I debated on whether to blog about our next step in trying to have a baby, but after thinking about it for the last few months, I think I've decided I'd rather have people know and praying. This month, we are going to do a frozen embryo transfer. We have 3 embryos frozen from the IVF cycle in October, and we are planning try again using them this month. We have decided that this will be the last try we do before moving on to surrogacy or adoption. And that is scary for me. In these last 5 1/2 years, we've never actually had a stopping point, and now we do. I want to be hopeful, believe that this time will be it, that I will get the privilege of carrying our child/children to full term. But I'm also so scared that the same thing will just happen again that has happened so many times before. Will you send some extra prayers up for me? That this cycle will work (finally!) and that God would give me faith and hope and a fresh trust in Him? I would really appreciate it!

And thank you to my blog friends who are walking the same road that I am. I can't tell you how much your posts, thoughts, scriptures that you've posted have encouraged me. There are so many days where I was so down, and then one of you would post something that would be so inspiring that I could hold on to. Thank you for being real through your journey--I don't know what this would be like if I didn't 'know' others going through it along with me. Love you!